NFL or FLAG FOOTBALL LEAGUE?

By Dr. Donovan

The NFL has apparently decided to add another F to the leagues title over the last few years. The NFFL will stand for the National Flag-Football League after a host of rule changes keying on the safety of its players.

One of the rule changes prohibits the wedge on an onside kick. Ok so the players aren’t able to run full speed while the kick cover team sits and waits to be trampled. That’s fine and I can see that except for the rule was changed a couple years ago as teams were required to put at least 4 men on each side of the ball to prohibit 10 men from creating a wedge. What next? The NFL will see that onside kicks are impossible to recover for the kicking team and come up with another idea.

The rules I don’t agree with are some that have made the NFL one of the most exciting and physically brutal games to watch in the past 30 years. The “Hines Ward Rule” states that offensive players can’t deliver a blindside hit downfield on defenders. I admit some players take it to far but this is the only chance the offensive players get to lay out the defense after taking hits the whole game. Have you ever heard of, “head on a swivel”! Poor 300 lb defensive lineman and linebackers are getting pummeled out there. Aren’t we missing something? Use common sense if the player uses his helmet to lead or cheap shots a player while he’ in the air.

Another rule can be called the “Eric Smith” rule after the brutal hit from NY Jets S Eric Smith on Cardinals WR A. Boldin. With the new rule, a player cannot hit a defenseless receiver with anywhere in the head with his forearm or shoulder. It still includes helmet-to-helmet hits as well. I am not as heated about this rule as some of the others because I agree that anytime someone gets hit in the head, the player risks paralysis or major head trauma. Taking your head off should not be a player’s goal. Once again I think the league needs to make sure they are using common sense with this and not calling 15-yard penalties for a player accidentally “bumping” someone’s helmet. We can all distinguish from a dangerous hit and ones that can’t be prevented.

The last rule is the biggest bunch of BS I've heard from the league since Defensive players couldn’t hit QBs above the waist. Now the league is installing yet another rule for their little princess quarterback Tom Brady (see Tuck Rule). The “Tom Brady” rules states, “If a pass rusher, who is blocked into the quarterback’s legs or into the ground on the way to the quarterback, continues to run or drives forcefully into the player, he’ll draw a 15-yard un-sportsmanlike-conduct penalty and be subject to a fine”. Hmmm….another rule to protect the league’s darlings. I admit that some things must be put in place for QB safety to prevent cheap shots, blindsides and broken vaginas but this rule was ONLY put in place because Mrs. Brady went down with an injury in week 1 last year on a FLUKE play. No one, including Pats coach Bill Bela-cheat, was considering this hit on his Bette Midler loving QB to be dirty or intentional. Now we are all going to see offensive lineman push Des in the back if they get beat on a blocking scheme to hopefully throw him into the QB and gain a 15 yd. personal foul. Like we don’t see enough holding calls already, we are probably going to up the penalty stats next year as well.

Instead of turning the league into powder puff and stealing some of the league's flavor, lets install some of these brilliant rules to go along with the new ones.

1. Every player must bring a baked good before each game to share with an opposing team member. Snicker-doodles and cupcakes are preferred.

2. For all nationally televised games, team uniforms will be tighter around the mid-riff area to define a players twigs and berries.

3. Defensive players must hop on one foot and put both hands behind their back when attempting a tackle. (and must hop back and forth in a diagonal line)

4. Instead of sudden-death overtime, each team will have a skip-off. The team that looks more graceful will be declared the winner.

5. Finally, all coaches and players from each team, along with referees, will share one shower after the game and indulge in a harmless game of “pick it up!”.

C’mon guys, players like Dick Butkus and Ronnie Lott are called “Grid-Iron Men” for a reason